| This things make me feel better haha! |
[04 Feb 2005|11:21am] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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Rent - Rent (lol that sounds funny) |
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Reg horoscope
As the Moon aligns with your planet, Pluto, you may temporarily feel overwhelmed by your own intense emotions. The danger is to extend your current feelings into the future. It's not that what you are feeling isn't real. Your feelings are quite real. It's just that you may be feeling them deeper and with more intensity than you will in a day or two. Don't try to manipulate circumstances. Let the issues ride. Make your decisions once the intensity settles down.
love horoscope
Strong emotions can lead to extreme attitudes early in the week, Scorpio. Whatever you're feeling can be so intense that you can imagine things to be much better or worse than they really are. A little detachment helps avoid trouble now.
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| OK so i lied... |
[03 Feb 2005|02:42pm] |
4 days of school is good right?
Today has been a good day so far lets see where it goes now...
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| I just want to touch your heat |
[02 Feb 2005|09:54pm] |
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mood |
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 ditzy |
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music |
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AIDA - "My strongest suit" |
] |
So i think i am fucked in the fact i am going to find a boy for V-Day but i dont really care.
So i totally came out in my Phy class...it was funny. people were a little like wooo "Queer" but I didnt care i said what i have always wanted to say "Just because I am gay doesnt mean you can ask me to shop with you because I hate shopping" (that is not always true but honestly please dont ask me for advice all the time. Honestly have you seen what i wear? i felt a little free after that one! and then i was singing avnew Q. the rest of the peroid! and went home played les mis and ate dinner. came home and i dont think renee is comming over but meh ok... 2 MORE DAYS OF SCHOOL WOOT! I CANT BELEIVE I HAVE ACTUALLY GONE FOR LIKE ALL 5 DAYS!
Someone tell me how to lock my LJ btw i dont want random people seein this shit...
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| EMO RYAN! |
[01 Feb 2005|04:39pm] |
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mood |
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 gloomy |
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i closed my eyes to soo much for so long and i cant anymore...How can I want him still when there is nothing there? This should have been my year! but it's over now actually it never began...I tried to blame it on GOD because he was there but I know the truth and it haunts me...Is this the moment when I beg for help? Ask everyone for support? place my trust in something that can back fire? I know when people look at me for who I am the see this tortured soul crying for help? but i slap on my happy face and smile like the fucking Faggot I am. just there to tell girls how to dress what guys are supposed to look like, Queers are not allowed to have emotions Fags cant love we just fuck...Because in the end i look back and when everyone else is happy this Faggot cries him self to sleep...I cant live with these expectations! I am not who I am anymore... i always tell people that "when your world falls apart you pick it up and leave the bad shit out" but when you cant pick up the peices what do you do? Someone is always watching me everyday I feel like a fucking sideshow. like look there is the fag. what outragous thing is he going to do today? why should someone else fight someone else's fight? if every Fucking Homosexual wore like all one color each day then people would understand they are not alone that there are more gays then just me at our school...People will say then dont fight for gay rights Ryan...but if nobody fought for womens rights do you think that people would just change their minds? FUCK NO sometimes you have to fight for the person that hates you for being openly gay...
Your world is killing me...
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| What is moorpark spelt backwords??? KRAP-ROOM |
[31 Jan 2005|09:23pm] |
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mood |
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 satisfied |
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music |
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Les mis highlights (empty chairs at empty tables) |
] |
Dude today was the first day of drama rehersals! it was soo much fun! i love the boiz dance! they are all cute! haha! i blush when i dance around all those hotties! = D is what i have to say to that!
lol well me and heather went shopping and she bought me this gay little T-ee shirt haha! so i am going to wear it tommarow to make her smile! but next time i am not crawing on the floor in TJmax in moorpark to find her damn jacket cuz she left it on the rack...not that it wanst fun mind you haha we looked like crazy people!
Then i got home and froze my ass off....so I dont think i will go back to algebra ABCD because i am like worlds older than all those people haha! and they are so dumb! i mean they are trying to be tough and it is annoying as all hell!
ONE DAY MORE
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| I dont know... |
[30 Jan 2005|09:21pm] |
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mood |
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guilty |
] |
I dont know you anymore...i see someone diffrent with every look still the same old Josh. such a tortured soul...the past is gone but you can still be free Josh till will set you free if you let it! Stop holding your self back! I want to help you soo much but you wont let anybody in anymore besides your drugs and drinks...WE care for you...but you will never see this how i feel. Why did i put my self in this position to get hurt? i have the power over my self..NOT you! so why couldnt i Say no? what compelled me to get hurt? we dont talk much anymore...so why did i give so much to see your face again? It's been over a year. It should have died as our friendship did soo many years ago...i think i shouldnt have called...how do you define something that never happend? everything has changed......
Its time to crash and burn...
How did did i let this happen?
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| Please |
[30 Jan 2005|11:26am] |
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TEll me what i am doing is right...Forgive me if this is the wrong way...but i cant let it end like it might have! I promise that i will try to be understanding of your life style and choices
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| How Did it come to this? |
[29 Jan 2005|03:54pm] |
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How did we get here? How did I Get here? how the hell? 6th grade is forever ago and i cant let go. One person has changed my life so much.The first guy i EVER fell in love with. It is stupid to let my self get hurt again by him but i am compelled to see him. I want to let him know that My life wouldnt be where it is if i never met him... I love him so much that there is not a day that goes by when i dont look to the sky and think of him. I couldnt control him i watched him slip away so fast...i cant understand this. How did I let him slip away? how could I...I would die just for one more day when we were young...talking about video games we were the children of dreams...now those dreams lay broken on the bathroom floor...those days when we were young. so fresh and ready for the world. we thought we would take the whole world on! with me and Josh by my side everything seemed so possable...but you cant...I CANT....without him life felt so empty but I delt with it...everything in life went on going I thought it would stop just for me...Only you Josh know how i feel at all times...without you I am a teenager...when we are near i feel whole again my other half...I Promised you...I WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU ALWAYS I said that as tears ran down my face...I have never found someone like you nor do I think i will...I hope by doing this something will happen...what road will we take? sperate but always on eachothers minds or as friends side by side...brothers friends?
will it means that its the end...and I am alone?
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| I'm Going Crazy crazy crazy just thinking about you = D |
[29 Jan 2005|10:25am] |
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mood |
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happy |
] |
Thank you! Honest to god. Thank you. I honestly was very angry about everything but as soon as I saw you, That feeling feel apart. I've spent all this time looking for the "Perfict" boyfriend. and not realizing that The "perfict" friend was there right infront of me. Last night was the best night i have ever had in a while. It was just you and me. together. it was almost paradise. i could have danced all night. but these feelings of wanting to be with you slowly faded, but i would rather spend a thousand nights dancing in you arms and know that by the end of the night no feelings have been changed. It was amazing and I honestly thanked GOD last night and i dont pray. But how could i know that all my life all i need was a good friend? I dont want love right now i am not ready for it. but you can never be ready for it. You will always be my friend and friendship is thicker than blood. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me? Can you find it in your soul to accept this? Could we be just friends again? Please Remeber that night..."A moment frozen in time" I'll always think of you and smile for all the time i had you with me. I cant forget the memories we made Please remeber. Time was your's and Mine but most of all 10 years down the road...Remeber Me...
You stand by me I'll stand by you
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| It's like I cant think |
[27 Jan 2005|09:21pm] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
] |
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music |
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Strongest suit (Reprise) |
] |
MY TURN = D
THIS WHOLE FUCKING WEEK CAN BURN IN MOTHER-FUCKING HELL! ALL OF IT!!!!
No good deed goes unpunished
No act of charity goes un-resented
No good deed goes unpunished
So why Do i help people only to have it thrown back in my face in a negative way?
One day I'll Find my stronger suit....
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| No I cant want it anymore..... |
[26 Jan 2005|01:40pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
Something has changed within me something is not the same...I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game...I think I'll try Defying Gravity...To long i've been afrade of losing love i guess i lost....well if that's love it comes at to high a cost...Kiss me Goodbye I'm defying gravity ...
AND YOU CANT PULL ME DOWN
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| Yesterday haha! |
[25 Jan 2005|02:11pm] |
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mood |
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 curious |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Wicked - Defying Gravity |
] |
wow yesterday was totally fun! i mean who wouldnt want to get stuck in oxnard? OKKK so i never plan things at all and i called people at the worst times to get a ride but hey thats me! but ya i totally had fun! besides the lecture i got from Lisa on the way home as she drove 120 down the 101 and 118 honestly that is enough to make someone cry....and the guy who wanted to street race didnt help eather... so i am giving up on a few people haha in the i want to be in a relationship with them because if they cant feel it why pursue it? that is just a big waist of time! i guess i thought life was like 90210 where if you liked them long enough they would want you but i have to remeber that is hollywood! so ya haha and this is LIFE not some scripted show where people are told what to do...was i seeking a guy or attention? did i just want to have someone on my arm? or did it all mean something? it does not matter now. What matters is getting over the shit that happend a few years ago that I kept inside for along time. I know i am who i am today because of that night i cant change that, i said NO there is nothing more i can say to that...I cant change the past.
the future is for the dreamers, and today is for the moment. but what one do i want to live for? moment or dreams?
^ dude i totally came up with that by my self...*Tee Hee*
oh btw for someone who pissed me off at school today...oh and no they dont have an LJ so it is not all you cool people! i just want to say it where it cant be heard...
STOP TALKING SHIT! I AM NOT FUCKING DUMB! SORRY I DONT FIGHT BUT IT IS NOT MY STYLE SO BACK THE FUCK OFF! DANNI GOT JACKIE NOT RYAN...SORRY HE CANT KEEP HIS DICK IN HIS PANTS NOT MY PROB IF HE FUCKING CHEATS ON HER!
<3 Love ya bitches!
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| Poems |
[23 Jan 2005|10:26pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
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music |
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Bring me to life |
] |
Bloody Tears
tears run down my face,
i think i lost this race,
blood is all i can see,
why are you not with me?
my heart explodes with this pain,
now there is nothing to gain,
closing my eyes for one last time,
kissing you was a crime,
i took away from you what was so true,
and nothing i do can bring it back to you,
hold the hand and kiss my heart you took,
death by one last look...
Free
When ur not watching i prepare my self for you,
I want to tell you,
I can fuck up to,
Ruin anything like human's do,
Say you'r sure you love me,
Nobody's like you,
you broke this lock on my heart,
but now i dont know where to start,
you better get this,
Show me how it's done,
to do this thing called love,
you freed me like a caged dove,
You got me free,
but dont leave me be,
Dont leave me....
Devil/angel
Everybody says's I'm an angel,
I'm that devil you carry inside,
I'm not the one you want at your side,
Stop reading all your Lables,
you cant find mine,
Just waiting for my turn,
I know your burn.
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| I've got this feeling.... |
[23 Jan 2005|08:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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weird |
] |
LIFE AIN'T HOLDING ME DOWN!
i am sooo Tired of bitching! like hardcore i am done! but i know will sometime haha! but life is just life we never know what happens it just does. if we knew everything life was going to give us what would be the point in living? We are human we are allowed to try to plan our lifes because we feel we are more powerful then the world we live in. and sometimes it show's us who is boss. or it can go with our will. who knows? life is life... you cant expect anything less than ups and downs.
haha i like how i Say all this stuff and then go against it...wow i am such a human..
can you find it in your heart? have you lost my love somewhere far behind...or can you find it in you heart?
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| Masqurade... |
[22 Jan 2005|11:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Night Ride Across Caucasus" - Loreena Mickknight |
] |
Tonight was soo much fun! i really hope to get pictures up soon and ya! i ran into a lot of guys i knew but i didnt say much because i felt like being nice! i had an awsome Bitch persona out dancing it was great! i totally danced all the drama away and fuck haha i am sad again...i guess you cant really get rid of feeling in a day or two...I had the best dance of my life With ashley like i was about to cry! it was to "If your not the one" I i never new i could connect with a person with words that were sung by someone else. I miss all the D&D nights where we all got together and just had fun. I lost my ID card at the dance so i hope they send it over to Royal next week so i can get my tickets
...Just friends is all i have to tell my self...Nothing more will happen....Hahaha i was so dumb to believe what i did. People like him dont like people like me... But i am off
Goodbye love...just came to say goodbye love...
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[22 Jan 2005|05:49pm] |
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mood |
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excited |
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music |
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"New Skin" Incubus |
] |
OK so we are getting ready and OMG Ashley is sooo Gorgous! and Amber of coures is raident! i love my girls sooo much they make me smile! well today i HOPEFULLY will get my digital cammra back so i can take more pics but for all those guys that want to know how i date or am in a relationship this hit the nail on the head....
Scorpio - Your Love Profile
Your positive traits:
You're red hot passion makes anyone you date feel extremely wanted
Loyalty, to the point of doing anything to protect your lover
You are mysterious and charismatic - and you easily draw people in
Your negative traits:
You tend to be paranoid and think that the worst is going on with your lover
You turn cold and mean at the first sign of conflict in relationship
You sometimes become obsessed with dates - so much so that you develop jealousy early on
Your ideal partner:
Someone who will take the time to win you over. Not an easy task!
Is able to keep up with your carnal appetite... lots of stamina needed.
Reassures you of their love and loyalty on a daily basis.
Your dating style:
Intense. You prefer to stay in with take out and conversation - so that no one else is distracting you and your date.
Your seduction style:
Hot. New partners have trouble believing that your libido is for real.
You have incredible sexual intuition - you always know what your lover craves
A bit bossy. You know what you want, and you certainly aren't afraid to ask for it.
Tips for the future:
Don't be so secretive with your love - they want you the way you are
Let go of your jealousy. Your partner has chosen *you*
Spend more time alone, doing things you love. It will help you be less obsessive.
Best place to meet someone online:
eHarmony - your best bet at screening out untrustworthy people
Best color to attract mate: Dark red
Best day for a date: Tuesday
Get your free love profile at Blogthings.
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| Two random things for today! off to ash's house soon... |
[22 Jan 2005|03:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 anxious |
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music |
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Mai heart beating fast! |
] |
You Are a Retrospective Soul |
The most misunderstood of all the soul signs.
Sometimes you even have difficulty seeing yourself as who you are.
You are intense and desire perfection in every facet of your life.
You're best described as extremely idealistic, hardworking, and a survivor.
Great moments of insight and sensitivity come to you easily.
But if you aren't careful, you'll ignore these moments and repeat past mistakes.
For you, it is difficult to seperate the past from the present.
You will suceed once you overcome the disappoinments in life.
Souls you are most compatible with: Traveler Soul and Prophet Soul
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In 1987 (the year you were born) |
Ronald Reagan is president of the US
Wall Street crashes sending the Dow Jones Industrial average down 22.6%
President Reagan and Soviet Leader Gorbachev sign an unprecedented missile reduction agreement
Televangelist Jim Bakker resigns amid accusations of sexual infidelity and financial impropriety
Wall Street financier Ivan Boesky is sentenced to three years in prison in an insider trading scandal
Gary Hart withdraws from the 1988 presidential campaign under accusations of infidelity
The Food and Drug Administration approves anti-AIDS drug AZT
Prozac makes its debut in the US
Bow Wow, Joss Stone, and Hilary Duff are born
Minnesota Twins win the World Series
New York Giants win Superbowl XXI
Edmonton Oilers win the Stanley Cup
Three Men and a Baby is the top grossing film
"Walk Like An Egyptian" by The Bangles spends the most time at the top of the US charts
Full House, Married with Children, and Star Trek: The Next Generation premiere
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| These tears we cry.. |
[21 Jan 2005|10:20pm] |
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mood |
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content |
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music |
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VnV nation - beloved |
] |
So yes i have been having an emotional day! and yes i will Prob say things in here i will reget i said!
I was crying today...but it was not just over one person/Thing
I cried because of school. I know now i am NOT graduating with the class of 05 and it upsets me ya it really fucking blows i am dissapointing my self and my family and i cant tell what one makes me more sad...I know i am off to do great things but where do I go from here?
I cried because i cant control my self. I knew Danny had a girlfriend i chose to beleive him when he said they were not going out, even though i heard him say he loved her before he told me that. I chose to prsue him yes. i chose to be nieve sometimes so i dont feel as bad knowing what i have done. In some ways i deserve to get the shit talked about me ya i agree with that. what i did was wrong but it takes 2 to cheat no only one person i did not tie him down and force my self upon him i would never do that. That is not who i am. ya i can be lustful but name one person that hasnt been. he agree i asked him how he felt. i should have known i should have listend to my heart whwen it said dont give it to him but i thought i was above my heart. if jackie wants to know what happend she can talk to ME not have carlos talk his shit behind my back.
I cried because i dont want to be alone anymore. and i dont want everyone thinking that ohhhh he thinks we dont care about him and yada yada yada. that is NOT true i know you all love me and respect me. but i want more! i want someone. i dont care if it is a best guy friend or a boyfriend. of course i would prefer a boyfriend who wouldnt? Only time will tell...
I cried because I see things going on in my life i cant control. I am not the sort of person who falls quickly in and out of love. but i AM the person who will give his heart out only to have it broken. I honestly didnt think i would get as hurt today as i did. I felt like i was over him. i wanted to beleive him when he said "next time Ryan." this was that next time. I dont hate, him I cant. i thought i stoped bitching about him in this LJ. I want to make this all about me right here and tell you where i am this great guy but i am not. He doesnt like me i need to get over it there is no attraction but everyday i had this reslove to change that but i cant. and i dont fucking care! I know i am not alone. Beyond this darkness as i reach forward someone's reaching back for me.
on a happy note my cosin i actually see turned 18 Today so we went to home town buffet! it was fun i saw people! it made me smile. we watched "MEAN GIRLS" and omg i love that movie haha it makes my day really i didnt feel as bad till then end of the movie. Then i came home but on the way me and my Aunt really connect for the first time in a long time. and i will leave you with the quote she left me
"love as you have never been hurt, Trust as if you have never been lied to."
I will get hurt in life. EVEN by Mr right. but i dont care because if he loves me then he will care for me the same way back. when i realize who i love it would be great haha but days months or years could go by... or it could be tommarow i dont know. Who cares. You cant measure your life in a year or min but in what you have done to make yours and others better. well that is my ramblings for tonight i am off to sleep...and prepear for SIMI'S winter formal tommarow... as i sing
"MASQURADE PAPER FACES ON DISPLAY...HIDE YOUR FACE SO THE WORLD MAY NEVER FIND YOU"
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| FUCK |
[21 Jan 2005|05:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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my tears |
] |
Trying so hard not to cry right now....Will I? Will Someone care? will i wake tommarow from this nightmare?
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| Adventures in the NARD = ) |
[20 Jan 2005|05:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 rushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Even Angels Fall - Jessica Riddle |
] |
duddddddde my subject line sounds like a porno title....ANYWAYS!
Today was madddd fucking fun! I love Dest and Angel you guys totally rock! like oh ya rock! haha
Crappy i have to go for a while i will update later sowwie guys!!
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